Mom ... Are You Gonna Die?

The mother of one of Alec's good friends was diagnosed with Cancer.

She's received treatment, and has been fighting the battle.

She's losing.

It has now spread throughout her body and into her brain.

She has been given about 3weeks, to a month, to live.

Every time I think of this boy and his mom, it makes me sad.

She's going to miss so much.

He's going to miss so much.

And there's not a damn thing anyone can do.

It's bothering Alec too.

He became aware of my (and the ex's) mortality at the young age of four, when I hemorrhaged and landed in the hospital after having Adam.

Then again after the double lung surgeries a few yrs ago.

He's very in tune with when I'm not feeling well.

And lately, I just haven't been 'well'.

I've been having problems with my shoulders for over a month, and I've been, exhausted is the best way to describe it, for over a year.

This week, I finally went to the doctor.

I've been fighting the exhaustion a very long time, years, although it's been worse this past year. But, it was the shoulders that finally sent me to the doc.

The pain is right in the bones. It's not a sprained or pulled muscle. It's more than just 'sore arms'. It's right in the bone. And that makes me nervous.

The exhaustion also makes me nervous, because I know that's usually a symptom of 'something else'.

It's not 'working full time, single mom' exhaustion. It's not seasonal. It's not depression.

I'm tired all the time. I sleep, whenever I can.

Last weekend, when the boys were with their father, I slept almost 15hrs Friday night into Sat.

Yeah.

And didn't even want to get up when I did.

I could have done the same thing on Sunday, but I set the alarm instead, so I wouldn't lose as much of the day when I finally DID get up and around.

I hate being exhausted all the time.

So on Wed, I finally went to the doc about it and the arms.

Her first diagnosis on the arms is Bursitis. Bursitis?!?!? OLD people get bursitis!

Sure, I turned 38 last month but ... OLD people get bursitis! Why do I have bursitis all of a sudden?

She's sending me for physio therapy next week and hopes that will 'fix it'. If not, then she'll look at running some tests.

Now if it were ME ... I'd run the tests as well as physio, to rule out the possibility of anything more serious. But what do I know. I'm just the patient.

The next morning, she sent me for a blood test.

She's looking for issues with my thyroid, or low iron. As well as a slew of other things that bring on symptoms of extreme exhaustion.

So now I wait. 3-4 business days. To either be told 'Didn't find anything' or 'This is what is it. This is what you take to fix it'.

I don't think about the un-fixables. But then Alec's friend's Mom will cross my mind and the 'what ifs' start to creep in.

As I've discovered, the sneeky suckers creep into Alec's brain too.

When he walked through the door that day, his first words to me were;

"MOM! Hi. How was your doctor's appointment?"

I told him it went fine, I'd be giving blood the next day and my arms were sore because I had something called bursitis.

He then looked me in the eyes, asked, 'Are you gonna die?'

Damn! There's that loaded question again.

It wasn't the first time he'd asked me this in his almost 13yrs.

I know this time, the condition of his mom's friend was weighing on his mind.

He's a compassionate kid, and this is one of his good friends that he's trying to help, through what may be one of the most difficult times in his life.

My boy's going through his own shit right now.

He doesn't need to hear many of the same thoughts are rattling around in his 'ol Mom's head too.

So I threw my arm around him, gave him a grin and said "Nope, not yet anyway.' ;-)

What I didn't tell him, was that long before my body falls apart, he and his brother will have driven me completely INSANE!!! ;-)

K