10-4 Buttwipe? Good! Now, GET OFF THE FREAKIN' ROAD!

So I went to a family member's wedding this weekend.

Great day. Beautiful bride & groom. Wonderful time had by all.

The event was scheduled for Saturday morning.

I left Friday night. It was a 2.5hr drive away.

It was raining. Not a torrential downpour, but raining nonetheless.

I HATE driving in the rain.

See this highway?

Looks innocent enough huh?

Now, imagine this same highway drenched in rain. DARK. Glare from the oncoming lights bouncing off the puddled road and into your eyes.

Did I mention I HATE driving in the rain?

Get caught in a build up anywhere in your lane, and that's it, you're hydroplaning and hanging on!

So we all get the idea it was a nasty night.

I had been driving for about an hour, when I saw the signs for the upcoming toll booth.

Just ahead of me were a few cars, and a transport, 18 wheeler, a big rig, Optimus Prime, whatever you want to call it, it was one of these ...

Not the actual truck. Pic taken from HERE

If there's one thing I hate more than driving in the rain, it's coming up on one of THESE. Or having one of them come up fast behind me.

I don't like passing cars on rainy nights.

I always have a fear that I'm going to catch a puddle right when I'm next to someone, and then lose control and slam into whatever's beside me.

Irrational fear? Probably.

But when rain builds up on those highways, and visibility is ... well, there is no visibility, and all the stars and planets align, and decide they're pissed off and want to wreak some havoc, there ya go.

Fluke accident on a rainy highway.

Did you know ...

"There are about 160,000 road accidents in Canada every year. According to the Transportation Safety Board approximately 2800 to 2900 people are killed on Canadian roads each year."

According to Canada Road Traffic Crash Car Accidents website

Just sayin'.

Anyway, around this time, the rain started to let up a bit and it seemed like the road had more of an even coverage of water, as opposed to the dodge the puddles maze I had been driving through most of the past hour.

I decided to pass the herd.

I pulled out into the passing lane, and kept to the far left.

I came alongside the first car, and went by comfortably. Aside from the back spray of mist as I came up on it, the move was uneventful.

Same with the next car.

Then, I came up on the truck.

Did I mention I hate driving behind those things?

Talk about back spray!

Just as I passed it's ass end, the rain picked up.

More spray.

Where the hell's that white line?

Is he getting closer to me?

It seemed like it took forever to get by him. Felt like the more I attempted to give it a bit more gas, he did too.

Then again, maybe it was just my imagination, and my OWN vehicle was having a hard time getting enough punch to get past it.

With the visibility getting crappier by the second, I wanted to make sure I had enough room getting by him, so I pulled even farther over to the side, and ended up on the 'wake the f*ck up bumps'.

These things ...

Finally, I made it past, and managed to keep a fair distance between us for a couple of minutes, until we got to the toll.

Because there was a car already in front of me when I got there, by the time I paid, he and I were rolling through at the same time.

I happened to be in the passing lane, so I blew by him as soon as I got up the speed, along with a few other cars who had just passed through the toll.

I'm not sure what exactly I did to piss off Mr Optimus Prime, but he decided to come after me.

I mean literally, come after me. Tease me. A little highway tag on a rainy Friday night.

Let's scare the shit out of the chick driving all by herself.

Asshole.

In order to get by the traffic, I had been doing about 120-130km. I kept up that speed for awhile, to get a bit of a cushion between myself, the other cars, and the big rig.

Not only do I not like passing them, I also don't like having their lights shining in my rear view mirror.

All the headlights quickly fell away in the distance.

All except the big rig.

He had pulled out into the passing lane, and was slowly but surely gaining speed.

In no time, he was right behind me.

RIGHT behind me.

Where he stayed for about 30 seconds.

DAMN, I thought, as he pulled out to pass me. That meant I was going to be stuck behind the never ending spray unless he decided to pull faaaaarrrr ahead.

There was nothing but blackness ahead of us, I hoped he would just give 'er and go once he was past me.

He slowly made his way up to my drivers door.

I maintained my speed.

Then I thought, 'Should I maintain speed? Should I slow down?'

I don't usually slow down ... but ...

I decided that HE was the one in a hurry. If he wanted to catch up and get by me so bad, he could fly at 'er.

Literally.

However, once the front of his hood reached mine, he slowed.

I waited for him to continue. To get ahead of me, but he stayed where he was.

The bastard was keeping pace with me!

I slowed down, giving him the opportunity to pull ahead and take the lead.

He slowed down too.

I slowed down even more. Surely he wouldn't do it again.

I was wrong. He kept pace. Neck and neck.

That was it, I hit the gas.

If he wasn't going to pass me, I wasn't going to play stupid games on a rain slicked highway, that's full of bumps and crappy potholes every hundred feet.

As soon as I started to pull ahead, you got it ... so did he.

Enough of this shit...

There was nobody behind me, I could no longer see the headlights of the cars we'd passed.

I hit the brakes.

He sailed by, and as soon as he had clearance, pulled in front of me.

And slowed down.

Considerably.

Bastard.

That's where he kept me for the next 60 minutes.

Until just before I had to take my exit.

The rain had stopped. The road was relatively dry. There was slow moving traffic up ahead that he wasn't passing.

I made my move.

Once he got close to the car in front of him, I pulled out past him, not giving him enough time to get out by the other car first.

Since the road was now dry, and we were no longer the only two on the road, my balls were back :-)

No sooner had I gotten by 3-4 cars than I saw him coming again.

This time, after he blew by the row of them, he pulled in behind me.

There was nobody ahead of me, he could have easily taken the lead again, but instead decided to follow.

And play with his lights.

Brights on, brights off. Brights on, brights off.

AAARRRRAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Did I mention BASTARD!!!!!

That. Was. IT!

I punched it.

125 ... 130 ... 135 ...

Could it be? Was I actually putting a bit of distance between us?

I came up to another row of cars and blew by them, and there ... THERE was the exit!

I took the exit ramp and spent more time watching the rear view than I did the road in front of me.

Was he coming?

Was he going straight?

Was he finally GONE?

Yes. He was.

Gone.

I was able to finish the last 15 min of my trip in peace.

No more road games, no more head games.

Now that I'm home, safe and sound, I'd like to take this opportunity to say, Thanks.

Thanks to the freakin' Buttwipe behind the wheel of that 18 wheeler from hell.

Thanks for making that a HORRIBLE trip!

Just remember Teddy Bear, Karma's a Bitch, and one day, you may just find her riding 'long side you in your cab.

10-4 Buttwipe? Good! Now, GET OFF THE FREAKIN' ROAD!

K.