Once, during an argument, my ex threw out the statement that I 'still haven't gotten over your dad's death!'
That was after we separated, so it would have been going on a couple of years after dad died.
At the time, I disagreed with him. I told him that yes, I missed him, and always would, but I thought I was moving along with life nicely.
It's been over 7yrs now, and I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't miss him.
And still think about him at certain times.
One of those times is Christmas. Obviously.
And there are two Christmas songs that always remind me of him.
I heard Kenny & Dolly's 'I'll be home with bells on' many many many times this year. It originally came out when I was Alec's age, 13.
It became even more personal as I grew up, because I always went home for Christmas.
And though it still brings back memories, it didn't bring on an emotional reaction this year as it had in the first few years after dad was gone.
That argument with the ex came back to me, as it does at times, and I thought to myself, maybe I'd 'moved on' another step in 'getting over it.'
On Christmas Eve, long after the boys had gone to bed, I was wrapping presents.
I was tired, and the emotional guard was down when it came on the radio.
Jim Reeves, singing An Old Christmas Card.
Damn you Jim Reeves, AND your old Christmas card.
I was doing OK until I heard that song.
My fingers stopped wrapping.
I closed my eyes and could picture, clear as day, my father saying to me, 'turn that up Kimberly!' as this would come on the radio, then him turning to my mom and saying 'let's dance Di.'
And he'd either take her in his arms, right there in the kitchen, or drag her into the living room.
For so many years, this memory had been my reality.
I didn't even realize I was crying, until that first teardrop made a small 'thwack' on the wrapping paper still in my hands.
But I didn't try to stop them.
Not that night.
Not during that song.
I do think I've 'gotten over' my dad's death.
As well as any person can anyway.
But I do still have my moments, like Christmas Eve, when I'm alone, and the guard is down.
Moments that bring me back, make me remember, and sometimes, make me sad that will never be again.
But then the song ends.
I wipe the remaining tears on my sweatpants, pick up the tape, and continue to wrap the present that was momentarily forgotten.
And simply did what we all have to do when that song ends ...
Just keep wrappin'.
Cause Christmas morning is going to come.
And two boys are going to rush expectantly into the living room to see what Santa left under the tree.
And life is going to go on.
As it does.
And all we can do, is just keep on wrappin' ;-)
I hope all of you, and yours had a wonderful Christmas/Holiday, and all the best in 2010!