Monday, June 15, 2009

A Slight Change In Tone That Screamed Volumes

It’s time to come clean.

No, I don’t have the bodies of three ex husbands buried in my basement - That’s not what that smell is.

I’m not a Secret Agent Spy - That’s not what those handcuffs are for.

And as much fun as it sounds like my boys and I have, and as great a relationship it seems we have ... that’s not always the case.

Sometimes, we argue.

We yell. We say things we shouldn't. We walk away from each other in hurt and anger with a 'Don't talk to me right now!'.

We cry.

My boys fight. A lot.

It’s the one thing I REALLY wish I could change about their relationship.

People tell me it’s ‘normal’. Siblings fight.

But do they have to do it EVERY. FREAKIN'. DAY?

Do they have to do it to the point where both are yelling, one of them is crying, and I’m ready to lose my mind?

This single parenting thing is hard.

Very hard.

Much harder some days than others.

Those are the days I need to walk away from my kids, and give myself a time out.

Or cry.

Or both.

Sometimes it's because I'm disappointed in their actions.

Sometimes it's because I'm just SO angry with them.

And sometimes? When they’re being total jerks to each other, and ME?

Nothing else will help but a good cry.

When the boys were younger, they hated to see me cry.

They would watch me during a sad movie, waiting … "is she gonna cry?"

They would look for the signs during an argument with their father … ‘‘is she gonna cry?"

And they would more often than not attempt to stop whatever behaviour was bringing me to the verge of tears and say “Don’t cry Mommy”.

Then, of course, I’d feel guilty about shedding the tears in front of the kids, and immediately the wells would dry up.

Last week, Alec and I were ‘having words’. He was in an argument with his brother and I didn’t feel he was ‘fighting fair’.

If they HAVE to fight, they’re fighting FAIR damnit!

Alec and I had gone round and round in the argument.

I’d had enough, was exhausted, feeling emotionally drained and started to walk away.

From behind me, I heard, ‘Oh, what? You gonna CRY now?!?!’

That one sentence sent my heart into a million tiny pieces, scattering across the kitchen floor.

It wasn’t so much WHAT he said, but HOW he said it.

It was the slight change in tone, small adjustment to the words … that screamed volumes.

Gone was the little boy who didn’t like to see his mother cry.

In his place, stood a smart–mouthed teenager, sneering at the thought of bringing tears to his mother's eyes.

Yeah. Being a parent sucks some days.

Not always.

Most days, it's tough, yet very rewarding.

But some days, like the ones above, I wonder if I'm ever going to get this motherhood thing right, and if I just should have stuck to fish.

Or a pet rock.

I can't screw up a rock.



Hayley said...

Aww Kim, I know it's hard. I have been there. And even though I am married now, I sometimes still feel like a single mother. Thankfully as parents we know our children and know that they don't mean most of what they say. They say it to get a reaction out of us. I've actually had one of my kids tell me that very same phrase, and I responded with, "No, but if you don't start showing me respect, I know that YOU'RE gonna be crying now!" It shut them right up! Teens will be teens, and boys will be boys. They don't mean the things they say and do, it just pops out uncontrollably. During those times I just remember, I was a kid once and I did this very same thing to my mother. Then I call my mom and apologize! ;)

Employee No. 3699 said...

Oh, I feel for ya. Just know it will get day they'll move out!

Kim's Korner said...

Hayley - Thanks so much :-) It's nice to know my kid isn't the only one who has these moments. And that's what they are really - moments. And although I don't appreciate or tolerate the rudeness, I remind myself that they are only moments, and not a permenant part of his personality.


;-) Kidding. He's a good kid. Who I'm hoping will turn into a good man.

3699 - Thank you! I know we're going to have our ups and downs over the next few yrs. Hopefully more up than down ;-)

Nine years. And counting ...

Then again, this being a 'university town', I could be eating my words in the near future lol.