Saturday, July 17, 2010

You're Moving To Australia? I'll Pray For You!

I love my blog.

It's my outlet. My release.

My place to share the good, bad and ugly.

Within reason.

As open as I tend to be (much to my mother's dismay and horror at times), I've always had rules about my blog.

1 - Never use my words to intentionally hurt the boys/family.

2 - Don't bitch about work.

3 - Don't bash the Ex.

Because this blog is my personal space, where I share my personal stuff, it's been hard to keep those rules at times. Because let's face it, sometime things my kids, work/co-workers and Ex do, affect me as a person.

Most days, I'm good, and follow my rules.

Other days, I have to fight the instinct to hit the keyboard, and release the thoughts/emotions that I want to share, because in some way I'd be breaking 1, 2, 3 or some combination of all three!

Today, unfortunately, is one of those days.

I want to share something. Something that will undoubtedly impact our lives.

One of those things that when people find out six months after the fact, and you didn't tell them, they give you that 'how come you didn't tell me' look, and you feel completely guilty, because you KNOW you should have mentioned it sooner.

But in spilling these beans, I may (or may not) intentionally (or unintentionally) break rule number three.

So I will apologize in advance.

I'm sorry.

My Ex is moving to Australia after next month.

And, as 'great' as he's making this decision out to be, the boys aren't happy with the move.

What do I say?

What CAN I say, without sounding like a bitch?

First thought that came to mind when I found out a couple of months ago was, 'Are you out of your freakin' mind?!?!?'

Regardless, his mind is made up, and that's where he's going.

For work.

Apparently, there are opportunities in Australia for the type of work he does (outdoor contractor stuff - decks, fences etc.), that can't be found here in Nova Scotia.

Or Canada for that matter.

See ... there I go. How can I attempt to talk about this, something I don't agree with, and not break rule number three, and then undoubtedly number one because of it!?!

I don't like the move idea. I hate it. For so many reasons, that if I listed them all here, he'd be IN Australia before I was finished!

But this isn't about me, or the boys (obviously). It's about what he wants. And his belief that he simply can't survive here, or support himself, and moving around the world is the only option to finding work.

I understand jobs are scarce. I understand moving 'away' for work. I have family members who have gone 'out west' or 'away', for weeks at a time, then home a week to make a better life for their family. I understand sacrifice for work.

But, Australia?

You can't tell me there isn't a bit of self indulgence in Australia.

Oh ... sorry ... does that sound bitter?

I guess it would coming from a woman who has raised his two kids, for the most part on her own, these past six years, and with no financial assistance.

Yes, there's definitely a part of me that's pissed off.

Not only for the boys, and everything they'll be losing out on and missing, but for me too.

I'm not going to lie and say there aren't days when I'd just love to run away from the world and reality. Forget responsibility, and pick up and just GO somewhere I've always wanted to go. Get a new job ... start a new life ...

But I can't do that.

And wouldn't.

I gave up the freedom of looking out for ONLY me, when I made the choice to have kids, and to put them first.

I just never thought, when I made that choice, I'd be doing so much of it all by myself.

But, would absolutely do it again in a heartbeat.

OK. Moment over.

These past six years, the Ex and I have gotten along very well. To the point where people will comment on it.

And yes, we actually do!

As long as we don't talk about 'serious' issues like money, or his spending more than every second weekend with the kids, when he lives only five minutes down the road.

As long as we stick within those guidelines, everything is fine.

So, I've said, and will say nothing (other than what I'm saying here of course) about this latest development and how it's affecting the boys, and how I'm sure it will affect them in the months to come, other than 'oh really's' and 'mmmmhhhhmmmmm's'.

Why bother, when I'll be the one left here to handle it.

Handle the tears, and tirades, when sadness turns into an anger that, in the heat of the moment, doesn't want to be stifled.

Cause that's just the way it is.

I'm also sure we'll all survive. Like we did when he decided to move to Washington for awhile.

But ... this time the boys are older, and the distance is alot farther. And who knows for how long. It's definitely going to make it harder on them this time I think.

And to everyone who says 'oh with technology nowadays ... it'll be like he's right here'. Uh ... no ... sorry, it's NOT the same to a little kid who just wants to hang with his dad.

I know as a 'good' mom, I have to put all my anger and disappointment away, and make this a 'positive' experience for the kids.

So, ya know, I gotta go with it.

For the most part, just treat it as another new beginning.

Another new adventure for all those in the Korner.

And the struggles? Well, they'll simply add a new layer of colour, to the rainbow of my character and personality (right Hallie? ;-)).

How else can I handle it?

What else do I say?

What else CAN I say, without sounding like a bitch?

For those of you who know me, and know that I usually try to handle life's hard and harsh moments with humour, it shouldn't come as a surprise to you all that what I WILL say, at the risk of sounding like a bitch (sorry my boys!) and completely demolishing rule number three, is ... 'You're moving to Australia? I'll pray for you!'

Jaron and The Long Road to Love say it MUCH better!

Hit it, Boys!

(No harm was, or is, actually intended to the Ex, through the playing of this song. Well, OK, maybe just the flowerpot, to knock some sense into him about this whole Australia thing!)

And yes, for those who are wondering ... he DOES read this blog!

And, THERE! Now I don't have to feel guilty about not telling anyone something that was a 'big deal' six months from now!



Anonymous said...

Geez, Kim. That's tough. Roger has been gone for 6 weeks now after being home for 3 months and the boys especially (who are 2 and 6) are REALLY minding him being gone now. The older one is crying for him at bedtime and the baby is acting out and screaming I WANT MY DADDY! I can't imagine how hard it's going to be on your boys, especially at their age, not to have their Dad around. Take care! -Sue S

robichaudk said...

Phew! Another tough one :-(. Certainly don't envy you .. but they say what doesn’t break ya will only make you stronger. God strength as you and the boys struggle to surmount another of life’s challenges ... and finding fun ways to keep the connection and share the experience with their father. Good luck to ex-dh in his travels and searchings. Safe returns with renewed appreciation for his role in his boys lives.

Sue (Crazy PA Lady) said...

You know, Kim, I say let the kids get angry and let them get sad. They have a right to feel what they are feeling. And there's no real way to make it positive without letting the ugly come out and be recognized.

I would also encourage them to call their dad and talk to him directly about how they feel. It might not solve anything except knowing that their voices were heard.

He IS being incredibly selfish, and that's a shame. You ARE an excellent Mom and the boys are lucky to have you in their lives looking out for them.


Kristy said...

I am usually a "gray area" type person, or I can be a little wishy-washy with firm beliefs. However, I actually do have a firm belief on this one. I FIRMLY believe that if you have had a child/children, and you are in the position that your ex is in, then you have to suck it up and always make decisions that are best for the child/children. Of course, I am not in his shoes so I cannot judge, but I really do feel that once you have taken on the responsibility of being a parent, then that responsibility never ends, and if it is best for the dad to be in the picture regularly (it usually is, unless the dad is an unhealthy/unsafe person), then that dad needs to BE THERE in the picture regularly. That's my opinion.

Kim's Korner said...

Sue S - I hear your pain, girl! Sorry the boys are having such a hard timet his time :-( Adam was ... 5 I think the last time he moved away, and the reaction was nothing like it is this time. He was very nonchalant about the whole thing. Not so much this time.

Robichaud K - Thanks, girlfriend :-) I know as a part-time (at times) single mom, you can relate and understand.

I have a few friends actually who are either part or full time single parents, each with different situations, for different reasons, but these next few (years?) should make for an interesting change ... Thanks for the well wishes :-)

Sue (Crazy PA Lady) - Sue, I absolutely agree. In the end, they're going to feel the way they feel. Good, bad and ugly. And we're just going to work through it all.

Before they left for their dad's last friday, I suggested they have a chat with him about how they were feeling about things.

And thanks for the vote of confidence :-)

Kristy - I agree that both parents should be in the picture regularly. I would have actually preferred to have shared custody of the boys these past 6 yrs, complete 50/50, but I also know that I was lucky they were able to do the 'every second weekend' thing. Not all parents have the help of the ex, and have it alot harder than I did/do. But I think we're all still going to notice the difference when there's absolutely no physical contact at all.

I'm also of the same 'kids first' frame of mind. Six years ago, when we first separated, it would have been ALOT easier to just move back to NB where all my family is. But ... that would have meant taking the kids out of their schools, away from friends, teams, house etc. during an already disturbing time for them.

So I stayed. Kids first.

Would it still be easier today, to move home to family, when I'll now be COMPLETELY on my own? Absolutely! And a cheaper cost of living too! But Alec starts high school in Sept. That's a BIG DEAL. I can't do it. To him. To all of us. Not on top of everything else.

Having said that ... I've already told the boys that once they're out on their own, with their own families, they'll be coming to visit dear 'ol Ma in ... VEGAS, Baby! ;-)

I DO love you Canada, but I WILL be kissing your Canadian winters goodbye ... someday!