Thursday, May 29, 2008

What's The Big Cosmic Point? Death Sucks Part III

Over the past 7 yrs, the boys and I have experienced the deaths of 6 people within our circle of family and friends. We grieved for them, and their families, and wondered, 'why? why them?'

This past weekend, I had to explain to them the death of a four year old beautiful little girl. She was the granddaughter of my Mother's significant other. He and Mom have been together about 3 yrs. An extended family tree member if you will.

Around 18 mo, she was diagnosed with cancer. Yeah. Uh ... again ... 'why?'

This Sunday, June 1st, she would have turned 4. The past two years were a continuous battle for her.

But you hope. You always hope. And pray. Whoever you pray to, you pray.

Yes, death sucks and is always sad, but the death of a child, a beautiful, happy child who was born into a loving family ... that's just not 'right'.

How does that much pain make a parent 'stronger'. Why does a person need that type of strength anyway? How does being able to endure an unequivocal heartache, unimaginable suffering, make someone a better person?

What lesson is being learned through bearing a perfect child, only to then watch your child suffer from a bastard of a disease - that our scientists can't seem to get control over - despite the millions ... billions? raised for the cause - have your hopes raised during remission periods, only to be dashed on it's vicious return, continue the emotional roller-coaster through treatment periods, only to lose her in the end a mere 2 yrs later?

WHAT THE ?????

STOP!!! Don't start forwarding me religious and afterlife links and quotes! I don't want them. I was raised catholic and know all about god and attended enough church services, and Sunday school classes to know what's supposed to happen when the soul leaves the body and moves on to be an angel in heaven.

What I don't get, and understandably never will, is why the good ones? The innocent ones? There are plenty of 'bad souls' out there beyond saving. Take them. Take 'em all. We won't miss them. Really! Would it be all that bad if the good guys controlled the earth?

Leave the littlest angels. I'm sure there's another way we can be taught those 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' life lessons. Dontchathink?

Her parents are incredibly strong people. They spent months in hospitals, by her side. They cherished her. They finally brought her home last Friday night and she died two nights later in her Daddy's arms.

As a Mom, as a human being, my heart breaks for them. Life is SO not fair.

The boys didn't say much when I told them. They understood there was a chance her treatments would not be successful.

Although it was 6yrs ago, they had been through a similar experience with my father. Alec remembered. I could tell the news of her death upset him, he asked about her every time he saw my Mom. Adam ... harder to read how he took the news. He tends to keep more inside. More of the brooder where Alec outwardly expresses his emotional pain.

I had discussed her condition with them over the past couple of yrs. Tried to prepare them. But how do you prepare for the death of a 4 yr old?

On the inside ... you don't. You hope. You always hope. And pray. Whoever you pray to, you pray

Sigh. And question ...

What's the big cosmic point?

I asked myself that question when dad's brother, a favourite uncle of mine, died suddenly of a heart attack.

I asked myself that question when my dad died shortly after that of cancer.

I asked myself that question when a friend died of breast cancer last spring.

I asked myself that question when the Dad of one of Alec's friends died suddenly of a heart attack last summer, on the golf course, with his 11 yr old son. (Now tell me, what lesson is that poor boy supposed to learn from THAT?!?!?)

I asked myself again when I held my dog's broken body in my arms, and felt him breath his last breath. Not the same I know, but grief is grief is grief to dog lovers.

Sunday night, I cried, again, and asked myself ... once again.

I'm still waiting for the answer.

Have a good night all,


P.S. If you're wondering why the title of this post contains the phrase - Death Sucks Part III, it's because we've been here before, in I'm Very Very Sad Today ... aka Death Sucks!!! and Just when I thought I was all cried out .... Death Sucks Part II


Sue said...

I don't have the right words for you. Only comfort. *hugs* and tissues *passes you a box* I don't have the answers you seek either. It's always hard to say goodbye to somebody that was loved. Always.

Kim's Korner said...

Thanks Sue. There weren't many opportunities for my and their family to get together over the last couple of years, our families are really still 'getting to know each other', and we were only finally formally introduced this past Christmas, after having heard so much about each other. But, blood relative or not, she was always in our thoughts and prayers and I know she's leaving a huge hole in many people's hearts :-(

Thanks again!

Danie said...

I have no answers. I'm sorry for your family's terrible loss. You're right death sucks for the people who are left behind. *HUG*

Anonymous said...

I have no answer for you either. It just sucks.

Kim R-L said...

Very very sad :-(. Especially tough when the loss is so young

My heart goes out to her parents and those who knew and loved her during her short stay with us. Gotta be one of the toughest things a parent should never have to go through.

But ... since you ask, What are the life lessons in death? No ‘religious links and quotes’, but perhaps some of the answers can be found through this oxymoron of a question ... What did this child through her ordeal teach us about empathy, compassion, kindness, giving, living and cherishing the moment, finding happiness in the small things, selflessness, ..... ?

Perhaps something to think about .... after one has allowed themselves to fully grieve this heartbreaking loss of course.

Kim's Korner said...

Danie and Samae: Thanks guys. We all know it takes time to get over a loved ones death, I can't even fathom how much longer it takes to get over your child's.

If there's anything that will help her mom and dad get through this and 'go on' (I think) is that she also has a new baby brother. And from the journal and comments I read on their CaringBridge site, they seem to have a good support network to help them through this.

Kim: Thanks for the comment Chickie Pie :-) Insighful as ever my friend :-) You're right, she did teach those close to her all the above you mentioned, and again, from the journal entries, I can tell she enriched the lives of those around her.

I just with there were other ways that we could learn and feel those specific traits above, without losing our loved ones. Especially the kids.

I'm sure I'll understand the meaning of it all ... one day ;-)

Anonymous said...

My 11 year old perfect, beautiful, off the charts brilliant granddaughter died suddenly 2 months ago. Preliminary diagnosis is pneumonia, but we still don't have a final diagnosis. I have lost my entire belief system. I've lost my son to his grief and pain. I work, cry, and drink (but not too much). My husband made me go to church Sunday and it was sooo painful. I think death of a child is the meanest thing God can do and I don't care what lesson there is to learn - I reject it. I live in another state from my son and his family. I feel so isolated. My husband doesn't have a clue how to talk about this with me. I don't know when the pain will stop. I feel like my heart wants to throw up.