Tuesday, November 4, 2008

An Open Letter to Assholes Everywhere

Hey! You! Asshole in the little yellow VW Bug that parks in front of me and leaves me 1/2 an inch to squeeze out from behind you. Yeah, YOU!

Is it really that hard to give someone a little space?!?! It's called respect for other drivers Buddy! Learn it. Live it.

Or parallel park your little ray of sunshine on another street. Cause next time I need to get out, I'm gonna drive over that little piece of sh*t in my Mom-mobile and squish you like the Bug you are!

Hey! You! Asshole who doesn't know how to use a MERGE lane. Yeah, YOU!

I know it's probably been a few years since you've had to write your drivers exam, but really ... the rules haven't changed ... MERGE does NOT mean attempt to plow into the side of the car next to you, so you can be that 1/2 second ahead in the traffic jam. Back the f*ck off!!!! One for one Buddy ... it's a concept, LEARN IT!

Hey! You! Ball hog on the basketball team. Yeah, YOU! (OK, so I have a hard time calling a teenager Asshole)

Other kids want to play too. Other kids want to make 'the shot' too. You're not the only player on the team ... stop playing like you are! Passing the ball. Try it sometime!

Hey! You! Asshole with 20 items in the '10 Items or Less' xpress checkout. Yeah, YOU!

You really bug me. Know that? Why do you feel you've been given special permission to not only cut in front of others CLEARLY on their way to the same lineup, but to hold up said lineup for the rest of us, cause you needed extra crap today and now you've got to get out ... FAST! Use one of the other lanes Einstein ... oh ... wait ... Einstein could count ...

Hey! You! Asshole who asks for my Name and Address every time I want to purchase pre-paid phone minutes. Yeah, YOU!

Why the hell do you want - or better yet - NEED this freakin' information? I'm buying phone minutes. Not applying for a car loan. You don't need my name. You don't need my address or phone number. STOP ASKING ME!!!! It's none of your business!!! If I want you to find me, I'll give you my CELL number. That's 1-800-Not-Your-Business!

Hey! You! Drunk Asshole who tried to pick me up at the end of the night. Yeah, YOU!

What part exactly, had you confused that I wasn't interested? The fact I kept walking away from you, or the fact I finally ran away to hide in the bathroom until you were gone? When a girl scrunches up her nose like she smells something really bad when you approach her ... it's probably a good sign she is NOT interested in making small talk when the lights come on at 2am! Go find Drunk Assholette and talk to HER instead!

BTW ... do you drive a yellow VW Bug?!?!?!?

Hey! You! Asshole who charges the elevator before the doors are even finished opening! Yeah, You!

Why do you feel the need to rush the elevator? Is there someone chasing you? You can't wait the two seconds for the people who are on there to GET OFF first? It's called being POLITE! You should really give it a try sometime, instead of running people over to get to whatever important place you're going to!

And may an elevator door rip your arm off!

HEY! You! Asshole at McDonald's and Subway who organizes the veggie placement. Yeah, YOU!

Is it really that hard to keep the onions AWAY from the lettuce when you're making my food? I can't tell you how many times I've taken that first bite of my McChicken or Sub and got a big mouthful of ONIONS. Not a good thing for someone who HATES onions! Just ask my mother!

I'm not expecting a hot meal ... or god forbid even a good one ... just keep the freakin' onions OFF my food!

HEY! You! Asshole who orders sandwiches and toasted bagels in the drive-thru lineup. Yeah, You!
If you're getting something other than coffee/tea/muffin ... get out of your freakin' vehicle and GO IN THE STORE!!! You're holding up the line for the 12 cars behind you who ONLY want a coffee/something quick! Consideration. Maybe you can order some with your next cuppa Joe?

Hey! You! Asshole Co-workers! Yeah, You!

Nah ... just kiddin' ... I like 'em, and you'd never read it here if I didn't! ;-p

Hey! You! Asshole who left the bread on the counter all day and it ended up getting hard and going bad! Yeah, YOU!

Oh ... wait ... that was me.

Ahhhh blogging. Cheaper than therapy, and doesn't require police intervention.



Bonnie S. said...

LMFAO These are great. I agree most with the elevator one. Drives me crazy when I'm trying to exit and someone is pushing their way in. Take a step back for 3 seconds and let me out!!

OK having a young child in a carseat, I could be the asshole ordering a toasted bagel at the drive thru. It's easier than taking a sleeping baby out of the car. But I'm not usually there during peak time so I don't think that qualifies me as an asshole. LOL

Kim's Korner said...

Having a sleeping infant in a car seat DEFINITELY excuses you from asshole status ;-)

I'm talking specifically about the people who want to order a boatload of stuff and are just too freakin' lazy to get out of the damn car!

And yes, I have to deal with the elevators every day, so it's at the TOP of my peeve list! Grumble, grumble - don't get me started again!

Aleta said...

I think what I loved the most about the post, other than the humor throughout, was that you ended it with the culprit of the bread. Lol. Guess we all fit the bill for some things. Excellent point!